Artist's Way Journal - Week Five, Day Six

Wow--I'm definitely falling off here.  Okay, I have written some in my other journal, but this is just ridiculous!  I know I said I was going to cut myself some slack, but this much?

I can see the benefits of writing a lengthy journal entry every day, as it gets the creative juices flowing.  This is very true.  And now that I've read all of Chapters 3 and 4, I can also see how denying myself a week of reading would be good, too.  Nothing getting into my head, influencing what I think about.  But, in this climate, where so much is centered on politics, the election, the economy, it's hard not to hear about it!  Or, to think about it in the least!  

It's all well and good to say, "Okay, I'm getting my feet wet this time around, so that next time I do this program I'll do it properly!"  But, truth is, there will always be something threatening to derail me!  Granted, this period of time is much more extreme than the norm... especially when you add in DS's diabetes.  

I'm going to be really grumpy if Obama doesn't win.

Grumpy?  I've been really grumpy these days.  I'm losing my cool.  I'm yelling from time to time, mostly at DS.  He's behind on homework, and when I ask him to work on it he loses energy.  When I point this out to him, he finds some reason that this isn't so.  Okay, he's 13.  And he's newly diagnosed diabetic.  But!  This isn't new behavior.  So I grump.  When was the last time he cleaned his room?  What month?  I can't remember.  

I'm grumpy because Thursday was a busy day, and DH was working on his windshield wipers when I needed him to get DD from school (thereby giving me more time to get ready for work).  DId I ask him to do this?  No.  So, can I expect him to get it that I needed that help?  Not when he's focused on a project.  I stormed out, and drove to work in a big steam, knowing I wouldn't be teaching a great class that night.  (That evening DH was quite nice, however.  He must have figured that something was up.)

More later.  Today I'm canning apples that multiply when my back is turned.  And the house is a wreck!  How is it that a little bit of cleaning gets undone so quickly?!?

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Finally in bed after a long day in the kitchen.  I feel strange.  My heart has been acting up again, and although I’m not too concerned as this has happened before, it still feels weird.  I’m light-headed, and I get these odd twinges like little nerve shocks.  I’m so tired, and yet putting this down in my journal feels so much like too much complaining.

So, where was I?  Chapter Five, finally.  I’ve not done Ch’s 3 and 4 justice, but that’s just going to have to be the way it is right now.  I’m doing what I can, trying to fit this program into my currently altered life.  DS is handling the diabetes fairly well for a 13 yr. old, but it is hard for him.  So, I skimmed over these past two weeks, and pretty much the same for this week, too.  Not even an Artist Date this week!  I still have a chance tomorrow, though.

Chapter Five is full of hard words about self-murder, wanting to be left alone, blind to the poisonous grip of self-destructiveness.  So now I’m going to discover the ways I’m destructive to my self. I already know it, but delving deep into the how and why will be interesting, to say the least.

 

The Virtue-Trap Quiz

1. The biggest lack in my life is…Time.
2. The greatest joy in my life is… being successful at something creative, like writing; receiving acknowledgment for my work.
3. My largest time commitment is… kid stuff: homework, handling DS’s diabetes, drum lessons.  Then there’s work, which I haven’t been devoting as much time to lately, although I do need to get busy with that.  Housework needs doing desperately, but I’m spending lots of computer time, and that’s taking away from keeping up with the house.  (Obviously it’s not that important to me, or so it might seem.)
4. As I play more, I work… about the same, I think.  I was going to say “less,” but I’m not so sure about that.  I would make sense that I’d work less, but when I’m not “playing” I’m procrastinating.
5. I feel guilty that I am… taking too much time doing computer stuff, like Facebook, blogging, looking up how Adsense works, etc.  If I wasn’t dong those things, there would be other things I’d find to do.  At this point I’m not playing Mahjongg and Freecell, which used to consume a lot of my “free” time.  I guess some of these other things are a little more productive… but I’m gauging productivity by what might add to our income, or help out globally, rather than whether I got to play or not.  I feel guilty that I’m not writing nearly as much as I was, and than I’ve let the submission process go far too long (in my opinion). 
6. I worry that… my desire to be more creative will create stress between me and DH because I would be spending more time writing and submitting, and doing activities related to this (readings, workshops, etc.).  I worry that this diabetes stuff will be too consuming, and I worry that DS will continue to have trouble remembering to bring his homework home, and to get it all done.  I worry that I’m not doing a good enough job around the house.  I worry about the economy and that our accounts are going to continue to go down and down.  I worry that DH won’t get enough work.  I worry about our health, even though, for the most part, we are okay.  I worry that I’ll lose my writing abilities, that I’ll keep dropping out of the submission game, that I’ll lose ground.  I worry that I’m not that great of a writer, and that I’ll continue to not get my work published in the “better” journals. 
7. If my dreams come true, my family will… ??  I don’t know.  If I get my book mss. accepted for publication, my family would be pleased.  If my family were to become totally accepting of my true nature, that would be a dream come true.  It depends on how that question is viewed as to how I answer it.
8.   I sabotage myself so people will… not be angry with me.  Or if they are already displeased, they won’t be likely to be as hard on me.  I know this one well, can see it happening in DS’s behavior, too.  I sabotage myself so that people will not be frustrated.  Better me than them, or so I tell DH sometimes.  Then I get mad at myself for being that way.
9. If I let myself feel it, I’m angry that I… give up things I want to do as frequently as I do.  Also, see part two of question 8 above.  I’m angry that I let myself spend so much useless time when I could take some of my alone time to write and revise.
10. One reason I get sad sometimes is… because DS has more issues than I think a kid should have.  …because DD needs more exercise and I have trouble fitting in the time at the gym after school.  … because DH is frustrated with his work, or lack of it.  …because I miss being more highly creative.  …among other things.

 

Forbidden Joys, An Exercise

List ten things you love and would love to do but are not allowed to do. 

Hmmm… does that mean that I don’t allow myself, or that my family doesn’t allow me… or both?

1. Spend two weeks on retreat.
2. Go out with friends weekly.
3. Go visit out-of state friends on my own.
4. Take a whole day to devote to writing.
5. Take a personal vacation every year, maybe even twice.
6. Take yoga classes.
7. Become certified to teach yoga.
8. Go on retreat to Ireland.
9. Get rested, and stay rested.
10. Keep fit.

 

Wish List, An Exercise

1. I wish I was good at yoga. 
2. I wish I was stronger.
3. I wish I could buy an Apple laptop.
4. I wish I could get an SLR camera.
5. I wish I could get my poems into Shenandoah, Crazyhorse, Ploughshares, etc.
6. I wish I could sleep really well.
7. I wish I didn’t worry about what other people thought about my taking time to write.
8. I wish I could go to Europe again.
9. I wish I was more self-confident.
10. I wish DH was totally accepting of my need to be creative.

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--TKC