Leap Day - leapt over

Yikes!  I missed posting yesterday.  But, no worries.  I'll share yesterday's poem, and another one for today in another post. 

Yesterday was a day of poetry, from 9 am to almost 6 pm.  Good friends (poets Annette Spaulding-Convy and Kelli Russell Agodon), good food, and though-provoking poetry exercises.  It was a day well-spent.  Photos soon!

Meanwhile, here is yesterday's shared poem, from Poets.org:

Leap Year Poem
by Mother Goose
Thirty days hath September, April, June and November. All the rest have thirty-one, Excepting February alone, And that has twenty-eight days clear And twenty-nine in each leap year.

Artist's Way Journal - Week Four, Day Four

It's official--the October 15 deadlines for book mss. submissions have come and gone.  In a way it's good, because I don't have to worry about getting them out.  But, I'm sorry to have lost those opportunites.  So, I'll look to the end of the month deadlines, and try to get my book out.  

I'm feeling lost again this morning.  Tired from the 2 am blood sugar check, which made me stay awake because DS's reading was high--that, after a nice low reading before bed.  What's up with that?

I teach both Pilates today and weightlifting.  And DS has drums for the first time in two weeks.  He's terribly behind in homework.  I'm tired for him.  We are all of us going to a retreat this weekend, which will get us more behind, be challenging for carb counting and getting injections on time, not to mention lack of sleep.  But, it will be an opportunity to chill out in some other ways.  And take naps.  I hope to take advantage of that.  And to write.  I might not go to the planned Saturday morning program...  we'll see.  

I'll check in later.

*   *   *   *   *

Later it is.  Once again I've been procrastinating.  DS managed the day fairly well, and his blood sugar went as low as 92 midday.  However, it went back up to 207 later on.  Not sure what to make of it, but it is averaging lower now, which is encouraging.  Let's hope this weekend doesn't send him over into a higher range again!

After teaching I feel better.  Always good to get the blood moving, and teaching brings me into a different place.  I try hard to engage my students; I want my classes to be fun and challenging.  I'm not always "on," but when I am it feels so good.  I love that feeling of connection with the people in my class, and I dearly enjoy them--they make the class for me.  It feels good to move, and I dream of doing more yoga.  I can see why people are so taken with it.  It's amazing what the body feels like after a day or two of doing yoga.  I once took a three-day workshop with other instructors, and by the end of it I felt as if I'd had a good massage.  And, it was a very spiritual experience for me.  One I'll have to (try to) describe sometime soon.

** Artist date:  I'm going to try to get away by myself during the retreat.  Walk the beach, or something water related.  Maybe take a nap!

Now it's late, and I'll need to be on top of things if I'm going to manage the 2 am blood test.

--TKC

Artist's Way Journal - Week Four, Day Two

Anger, Synchronicity, Shame--I read about those last night, finally.  I'm only over a week behind.  And I'm sure I shouldn't be reading anything right now.  How to catch up?  Like this:

Chapter Three, Detective Work, an Exercise

1. My favorite childhood toy was a white fir cat, for one, and many other stuffed animals.  I used to pack them up in the Italian prune tree in the back yard for adventures.

2. My favorite childhood game was ... hard to pin point.  I loved playing Yahtzee and Kismet with my dad, "what contains the Universe?" with my self and friends, (best played at night while sitting on a bed in a dizzying state of wonderment), Monopoly.  There was another game played on a board with marbles, but the name isn't coming to me.  Frustration might be the name...

3. The best movie I even saw as a kid was first Lady and the Tramp, and later Star Wars.  Anything that involved talking animal that were (to me) cute, and anything that called into play fantasy.  Star Wars captured my desire in a strong way, and I imagined going into space.  Not to mention the fact that I had a "thing" for Mark Hamill, and later Harrison Ford.

4. I don't do it much but I enjoy retreats.  I've done maybe three retreats, and I like being away, either with a group of women, or just one, for some time to work as long as I want to on my writing.  This I love.

5. If I could lighten up a little, I'd let myself go out more.  I'd let myself be lighter at home, more fun with everyone instead of "bogged down" in mood.

6. If it weren't too late, I'd travel by myself.  I'd love to have the challenge of going overseas on my own, choosing my own direction, choosing how long I would stay in one place.  It would be open-ended, and I would run into the unexpected, especially that which I'd learn from my self.

7. My favorite mental instrument is...

* Okay, I love this mistake I just made.  I looked at the book in my lap so quickly, I translated "musical" as "mental."  I left it that way so that I could come back later and do something with it.   Well, I'll give a shot right now:

... Sudoku, the Imagination, Music...

Let's try this again.

7. My favorite musical instrument is even more difficult to say than the toy or the game.  I played the piano, but didn't do that well with it.  I still love to listen to it.  I like all instruments together.  Classical/Spanish guitar is wonderful as are the drums -- all sorts.  The harp, flute, and anything played together that recreates a minor key as in Yiddish music, Middle Eastern, etc.  I love Celtic music very much, and medieval music, as well as music played on the didjeridu.  Hmmm... can't find a favorite right now.  I love Rock, Hip Hop, and some Techno, too.

8. The amount of money I spend on treating myself to entertainment each month is not a whole lot in the grand scheme of things.  I spend more on "things" than entertainment, although some of those "things" become my entertainment, or rather, shopping for them is entertaining, some of the time.  

9. If I weren't so stingy with my artist, I'd buy her time.  That's what I ultimately don't give myself enough of.  I spend the time I have on surfing the internet to check up on my blogs, or play on Facebook, or whatever, and don't take the time to write.  This is especially bothersome when I think I've got a good space of time alone to write, and I don't do it!

10. Taking time out for myself is good for the soul.  Something I need to do better.

11. I am afraid that if I start dreaming I'll appear irresponsible.  The time spent doing what I want to do often ultimately makes me feel guilty.  Maybe DH will think I don't do enough around the house, or whatever.  

12. I secretly enjoy reading when I can.  Or, I secretly enjoy reading fantasy.  Although this is not so secret.  I just don't read a whole lot.  I love the comics because they're short and doable in a sitting.  It *does* take me some time to get through the Sunday editions because I take time to read and reread, taking in the illustrations, etc.  I love Harry Potter, Inkheart, Inkspell, LOTR, and other such books.  

13. If I had had a perfect childhood I'd have grown up to be free of guilt, happy with my talents, enough that I might push them further.  I did have a lot of support with regards to the arts, but also coaching on being sensible, which I am not, very.  I'd try new things without feeling like I should be doing something else that makes someone else happy.

14. If if didn't sound so crazy, I'd write a fantasy book.  I'd write a book targeting the middle teen to adult audience.  I'd start a journal and take submissions.

15. My parents think artists are fine, as long as one has something that brings in money.  

16. My God thinks artists are important.

17. What makes me feel weird about this recovery is that I can't see getting past my guilt.  I can't see feeling strong enough to make peace with thinking I'm spending not enough time around the home, getting what needs doing, done.  

18. Learning to trust myself is probably going to be hard.  I'm not sure yet what I'm trusting.  

19. My most cheer-me-up music is Celtic, and some Rock, as long as it is positive in nature.

20. My favorite way to dress is creatively.  It might be dressy, or chic.  Or just some black workout clothes with DH's old worn-out jean jacket with the frayed sleeves.  And some sunglasses.

*  *   *

Okay, now I'm on to Growth.  And still the Tasks at the end of the chapter.  I'll check in later.

Artist's Way Journal - Week One, Day Five

What are my duties this week?  Morning Pages are not happening the way I think they are meant to, i.e. every day.  In the morning.  What should I be doing? 

I am going to take my Artist Date tomorrow.  I don’t know where yet, only that I need to not let it go, like I do many other things that are important to *me.*  I tend to pass on some invitations or events simply because it might look at home like I’m doing too much stuff, just for me.  So I turn down invites from friends, or bow out in the last minute from workshops, appts. for things like massages and haircuts, so that I’m home doing the things I really should be doing.

I'm finding it difficult to get the writing in.  When I had the time during the day I spent it playing with my other blog.  Also making bread and yogurt, which is fine.  But now I'm getting irritated and frustrated by everything: the economy, work and/or the lack thereof, the election process, the energies of those near and dear to me--it's all out there, and it's bugging me.  I feel like I need a big break.  To go away for a few days, and just be by myself!

Now all I'm doing is complaining.  This, to me, doesn't sound productive at all.  And because I've been up all day, busy with this that and the other, or, truthfully, busy procrastinating from my writing duties, so now this nice stream of consciousness writing just isn't going the right way.  More complaining.  Yikes!

Is it my Censor telling me I need to be better about budgeting my time?  Maybe I'm already afraid to address the issue.  If I write, I am being negligent in some other area.  If I don't write, I'm neglecting my writing.  I want to be good about both areas of my life, so that means reevaluating some of my other time consuming activities to see what could give.

I'm going to make this short tonight, and try to get into a morning habit tomorrow morning.  Although, if I don't, I hope I have the strength to cut myself a little slack, knowing that I'll do *something* at least.  And twelve weeks later, when I read through all of this journey, maybe, just maybe I'll have made some moves in a positive direction.  Here's to inspiration.

Got two rejections this week--one from Dark Horse, and the other from Alaska Quarterly Review.  On the plus side, I did get an acceptance from Crannog, in Galway, Ireland.  Wish I could attend the reading in October!  I miss Ireland, and hope someday to do a retreat there.  Just me, myself, and I.

--R

Artist's Way Journal - Week One, Day Four, or, "Dear Reader, don't peek until December 15, 2008!"

I'm back.  And I still haven't finished the chapter.  This is a pattern I'm coming to recognise: not being prepared.  Or, going into something new kicking and screaming?  No, not either of those, just allowing the rest of my life to crowd out this thing I'm attempting to do for myself.

Ah, in writing these pages I'm supposed to let go, not read what I've written, and not let anyone else see them, either.  I'm all about breaking rules!  Not intentionally.  So, because of that, I'm going to keep a low profile until I'm near done with the course.  So I changed the name of this blog.  I'll be stronger next time.

I can see where it is best to write in the morning.  My brain is so not awake at 6:30, therefore my writing might be a little less self-judgmental.  Wonder if that might be true?  I will have to try it tomorrow.  

One thing I've been dealing with is anxiety.  While it has been mostly in remission since the beginning of summer, it does linger under the surface, waiting for my life to overfill.  I'm paying attention to the breath when I feel twinges, and find that after exercise I feel a whole lot better.   I found yesterday that it was hard to get a full breath in--that place you get to when you inhale fully, almost euphoric in feeling--it just wasn't happening.  Like there was a block there.  I feel that way often, and when that full-breath-ability comes it's like a gift.  

What's getting to me?  Probably things that are affecting everyone else, to some degree or another.  The Stock Market problems, diving economy, banks in shaky positions, less jobs coming in for the self-employed.  Take a deep breath.  Ah, that one really felt good.  And it was one of those deep ones, too.  

The cat is up on the washer.  Her first time?  Everything seems like it happens for the first time with her.  Everything is new, including entering the house again, which she does several times a day.  She sits on the window ledge, looking into the kitchen with her ears out like "Bucky" in Get Fuzzy.  I open the door.  She comes in, slowly, sniffs the doorjamb, the porch, the floor just inside the entryway.  What does she think is going to happen?  Perhaps get eaten by a coyote?  Last time I checked, there weren't any coyotes in the house.  Apparently there are any number of possibilities I might not have thought about, but go through her fuzzy little head.  

Maybe that's me, too.  Maybe I jump up on the washer, the same one I've passed by numerous times during my day, and it suddenly looks like something I've never seen before.  It becomes a magnet, a thing of curiosity, new territory to be explored.  And I can begin to understand why going out the front door, and coming back in to the house might bring up certain uncertainties--what might have changed while I was out?  What might have moved into the neighborhood while I was in?  Is it safe out there?  Is it safe inside?  Is it safe to just write, and not think too much about it?  What if it sounds stupid?  What if it makes me look crazy, naive, overdone?  What if someone takes my ideas?  

What if--possibly--someone else can relate to what I'm saying?  Maybe we're all on this big barge together, and maybe the water is calm, and maybe it's choppy and there is someone behind us...

...ready to reach out a hand to save us if we hit a snag and lurch toward to roiling waves.  And maybe we'll be called upon to do the same sometime.  

Another deep breath.  It feels good.  Full.  In the background NPR has some experts on taking about Government agreements over the Big Bail-Out.  Congress, Republicans, Democrats, Pakistan's border, McCain, Obama; F, needing to make friends at her new High School (first year, and she, a junior), and D a 7th grader at his new school, getting the routine down, despite difficulty with organisation and the new piles of homework heaped upon him; new duties at work, after-school activities, youth group, carpooling, going to the gym, getting some sleep.  Breathe deep into the base of the lungs, I tell my class, exhale out through the mouth, expelling all that air.  Cleanse the lungs.  Clear your mind.  Breathe.

That's is for now.